Not Enough

This post is hard to write.

Yesterday I was given some money by my parents to go open an RRSP as a birthday present (No, I don't already have one). They set me up with their Financial Planner gal, who was apparently more than happy to sit down with DH and I.

When we got to her office, one of her colleagues told us our gal was out for the afternoon, but she says 'Hi!'. We sat down with the colleague, and over the next 45 minutes, went through our debt, our income, our current plan and our future plans for what felt like the zillionth time (seriously, I review this stuff weekly).  The colleague told us we seemed to be on the right track, then, with all the tact and diplomacy of one who has seen our type before, slips into the conversation that their section works on a fairly high fee-based system, and they wouldn't feel right charging us that much, especially with the relationship between the non-present FP gal and my family, so they are unable to take us on as clients. 

Yup. My Husband and I and my measly amount of money walked out of there with our heads held a little lower.

Anyway, I got back to work, and I was in a funk. I had told some people that I was about to open an RRSP, and so I readied a carefully concocted response about deciding to stick with my home bank, in case anyone asked (no one did, thankfully).

I don't blame the financial planners, or my parents - I don't blame anyone. I know it was a miscommunication between my parents and their financial gal about what this meeting was actually supposed to be. I know my dad only wanted DH and I to have as much information as possible before we step into investment planning. I know I am in total resistance to the fact that I went in there expecting something different from what I got.

In all reality, this colleague did us a favour. The truth is that we are not investing tens of thousands of dollars, so a downtown YYC wealth management group is probably (duh!) not the right choice for us. 

We are going to go to our home bank, and talk to someone who is more on our level, and get this thing started.

This is, after all, step one of Operation: Down Payment.

Cleaning up!

So today I did something totally wild. 

I emptied my inbox.

 Isn't it pretty, all empty and clean?

Seriously, this is a big deal. I had like 360 emails that I hadn't dealt with, and hadn't referred back to in weeks.  I archived most of it (thank goodness for that feature!), but it seems like today is a good day to "Just effin do it". 

Have you ever done something like this?  Just taken the plunge and done something that you're not sure if you'll regret later, or be glad that you did? I felt this way when I chopped up my credit card.

30

Well, I turn 30 tomorrow.

I'm not afraid of it. Not lamenting lost youth. Not fearing my future.

I look back on the the last decade, and see so clearly how far I've come.

I've fallen in love several times, and have been so blessed by the dear friends and romances who shaped me into the woman I am (Because lets face it: romances do shape us). I consider myself SO lucky to be entering this next decade with not only my Canada-wide network of awesome people, but also, and most importantly, the man of my dreams, my best friend, and my perfect partner cheering me on. He's been a massive part of my last 6 years, and I really and truly wouldn't be having this particular awesome experience of life without him.  Together we've braved planning a wedding, multiple trans-Atlantic flights, musical collaboration, financial hardship, professional frustration, and a cross-country road-trip to a new beginning.

I've travelled. I've lived in Calgary, Lethbridge, Southampton, LondOnt, and finally, full circle back to Calgary (my hometown). I've been all over the USA on Drum corps tour, had my feet in the Pacific Ocean one day, and the Atlantic Ocean the next thanks to singing summer programs. I've been to the UK many times, as well as Holland, Belgium, Germany, Mexico, and Dubai, and most of my travel has been for music.

I've sung my heart out. I've taught others to do the same. I've had horrific performances that I thought I'd never live down, and experienced those elusive perfect moments, where the stars align, and the technique lines up with the emotion, and the audition room isn't too dry.

I've had amazing personal growth experiences, especially in the last year. Mostly around acknowledging that small steps in the right direction are more important that the huge leaps I never take, and about learning what it means to really REALLY stand up and not only ask for what I want in life, but what it takes to go GET what I want. 

I've had a wild ride up to now, and I feel like it's still just beginning.
30 is exciting. 30 is hopeful. 30 is possibility.

My Visa:

.... and cancelled!

Back to the same old, but never the same.

I've finished this personal development course, and I find it fitting that it concluded the week after Phantom did. 

My fear with this course was that I wouldn't achieve results that were 'good' enough to feel satisfied with. That I would have failed. I felt this way going in, and I felt this way right up until the day before we 'graduated'.

My fear for my creative self at the end of Phantom was that, even though I've put in years of hard work, I'm still not 'good enough', or 'passionate enough' to be considered a professional, or to make a 'career'.  That I would be a failure. I've battled this thought for years and years.

But who, exactly, do I think is keeping track?

So, to try to find some clarity on the Friday night before my commencement from the Advancement of Excellence, I read through all the notes I've taken over the last 8 weeks.
As it turns out, in two months I have:
-come up with a plan to pay down our debt in (more or less) 4 years.
-finally acknowledged our net worth, down to the last gruesome penny.
-experienced allowing myself to LOVE singing again, and practised turning my nervous energy into something creative and productive - to make each experience not just great, but fantastic - this specifically relates to the engagement in February with the Sudbury Symphony Orchestra.  I was genuinely fearful that I would embarrass myself and be boo'd off the stage.
-I have taken steps toward learning how to ask for support, and then practised actually accepting the love.
-I have learned the value of small steps in the right direction, rather than expecting myself to take one giant leap: Courageous steps are like the wood I set my fire to. (Thanks to Deb Heenan for that)


That's some pretty big learning for someone who thought she hadn't accomplished anything.

So I thought I'd update my website, singers resume, and biography tonight, just pour le fun. Strangely enough, piecing together my last 10 years of music making, I've realized one or two things:
-In the past 10 years, I've been singing steadily in one form or another.
-The gigs have been getting bigger and more exciting, and the harder I work for them, the more I enjoy them. 
-I've met amazing people who have bettered me as a musician and as a person.
-I've gathered the courage to ask for what I want in my creative career, rather than expecting the Universe to drop it in to my lap. 
-I've lent my voice to celebrate births, weddings and deaths, some for my own family and some for my adopted families.
-I've sung for good causes, and I've sung for no reason at all, and, even if I haven't been technically perfect for most of it, I can honestly say I've been truly happy with every instance of music making that I can remember. 

After re-reading that, does 'good enough' even matter?  I have committed myself to a craft that requires passion, dedication, humility, open-heartedness, and a thicker skin that I ever thought I'd have.  None of that says win/lose to me.  None of that says succeed or fail.   To me, that says "Journey". That says "Dream".  That says "The greatest learnings are in the process".

Advancement ending and Phantom ending lined up in such a way that coming to terms with one helped me see clearly what I needed to acknowledge in the other.  That my journey isn't failing or stopping, or over because I've 'landed' in Calgary, and found a desk job I enjoy. It means that I have the stability to create the kind of creative life I want. 

Wishing you were somehow here again, knowing we must say goodbye...

I'll say it: I'm unreasonably sad that the "Phantom of the Opera Sing-Along" I just finished with Cowtown Opera Company is over.


Here's the thing: I was never one of those people who knew the entire show cover to cover.  In fact, I've still never seen a fully staged production of it - just the movie.

Who is this monster? This murdering beast?

What got to me about our production was the intensity of the process. Some shows rehearse for MONTHS before they get anywhere near the actual space they'll be performing in - not Cowtown. We had one music rehearsal, where we sang through the whole (abridged) show AND THEN, in that same rehearsal, blocked the first half of it. by half way through the second rehearsal, we'd roughed out the whole show. Our director Aaron Coates was a dream - so clear about his vision for us, yet held us creatively able to do the work and find our own characters, motives and space.  I found that as I got to know the the characters of Phantom (played by Andrew Love) and Christine (played by Natalie Fagnan), the 'cheesy overdone' themes became clearer to me as the haunting and emotionally evocative catalysts they were intended to be - I consider myself especially lucky because I have the privilege of being married to our pianist (Insert "music of the night" joke here).

This group of us actors and musicians working hard through seven nights in a row of rehearsal after completing our 8 or 9 hour day-jobs, you'd think we'd be a cranky bunch, but instead, we inspired and invigorated each other. Each and every single person in the cast had some positive effect on me, and I am a better person because of them. I feel like I knew so little of Calgary's arts community when I started this show, and now I feel I am really a part of it. To the Cowtown team, and especially Michelle, Jason, Jodie, Aaron, Karen, Reid, David, Lauren, Natalie, Andrew, Ian, Matt, Stuart, Henry, Win, Kelty, Melanie, Stephanie, Chelsey, and Andrea - Thank you for being such a quick and tight family. What an amazing, kind, supportive, loving group you are!

The sense of slight depression after a show is not unfamiliar to me, and it still stings. There's a piece about impermanence here, I think. Beauty doesn't last, but the experience of creating those moments makes the return to 'everyday' life a quest to find something a little more beautiful, a little more exciting, and a little more passionate every day.

Masquerade! Paper faces on parade....

Honesty

So I need to come clean.

I mentioned in my last post that "I'm committed to not using my credit card".. and that is, in fact, a lie.

I took a pair of scissors and cut that sucker into 2 dozen pieces.

I realized that saying "I just won't use it" leaves me too much room to slime.  You see, when I make that claim, I actually mean "I just won't use it, unless I see something cute for work, or I need to buy a gift, or something online catches my eye, or I'd like to do an impulse shop, and not tell DH about it".

Lame, huh?

So when a friend of mine said she needed to cut up her card, I saw it as an opportunity to challenge myself and misery loves company  and be in solidarity with my friend.  Definitely something I would not have had the courage to do on my own. 

I think my ultimate plan is to pay it down, then cancel it, and get me an extra card on DH's. This way I can see what's going on with that big chunk of debt, and he and I will have to be accountable to each other in matters of credit, just like we are with our everyday chequing account (which we're very good at!)

What's the most drastic thing you've done to get your act together?